Clean Up on Aisle Three

OMG!!!   To me, one of the most annoying things about the online dating site is the fact that it's REALLY hard to quickly determine the profiles you have already viewed and which ones you have not.  My typical routine is to log into the site to see “Wuz up!”  I quickly scan any new winks or emails (thank you Burl for my daily affirmation) and determine what if any I want to respond to.  I try my best to clean out any riffraff on the spot, but I sometimes I get lazy and don’t click on the option to remove the profile from my “dashboard”.  If I would just “getter done” right then and there then I would not have to be a “stalker” later.  This is what gets me in trouble! 

On the other hand, one of the positives is the built in number counter that informs you how many people have looked at your profile.  Not only does it give you a number but it shows you the actual profile of all of the potential man candy that is checking you out.  I assume this was designed intentionally to be somewhat like virtual flirting…”hey he checked me out let me check him out…how you doin’”…WINK WINK….CREEPY!!!!     All good and fun RIGHT?!  Uh-NO!!!!  This is when I start to feel a little “Fatal Attractionish”

Because his profiles shows up under your Who Viewed Me section you naturally go and check him out because he viewed your profile.  This means that your profile is now going to show up under his Who Viewed Me section.   What’s even worse is the “Viewed Me” feature displays profiles based on most recently viewed…so let’s say you viewed his profile a month ago and knew that you weren’t interested….but because you put off your “clean up efforts” you forgot that you have already viewed him…so you click on the profile again and now you are on the top of his list when he views his Who Viewed Me section.   Then you click AGAIN, then realize …”Oops, I did it again, I played with his heart….got lost in this game”  (Thanks Brittany…by the way, I’m returning your school girl uniform…I seem to be attracting the twenty-something’s…not quite ready for Cougartown…I’ll rethink it in 20 years.  NOT!).   So this clicking back and forth can go on all day long and if someone doesn’t make a move it’s the never ending game of “click and view I see you.”

This is where my cleanup procrastination backfires!  If I would just take a little effort and do it right then but noooo.....instead….. A few days later, I wake up stupid and can’t recall that I’ve have already viewed him so I click again!  DOH!!!  Dang it!!!  Next thing I know I’m a stalker and didn’t even know it!  I hear what you’re screaming and NO it is not easy to remember who I viewed and who I haven’t (or is it whom???  Sorry English teacher…slang has ruined my grammar)  Anyway, as I’ve said before, after awhile they ALL look alike!

Here is my “get rich quick” idea for the online dating sites.  They need to incorporate some sort of “notes” section or tracking system next to their profile that you can either check off or enter a comment like,”No way in H-E-double hockey sticks”, or “If he was the last man on earth, then maybe”….or “He’s a total Jackwagon, not worth my time ” or whatever is going to jog your memory that you have already viewed him and you are NOT interested.   Do you realize how many “stalking” moments I could have saved myself if this feature already existed?

Even better, save me some time dating site and incorporate a button directly on the profile that you can click if you want to send the profile into some other cyber land.  (If this already exists, I have no idea…It’s not like I stopped and read any sort of directions).  I guess the only problem with this idea is based on how delete happy I would be, by the end of a few weeks, I would have X’d them all out and no one would be left for me to view.  Hmmm…..maybe I’m being a little too picky….after all, Jackwagons need love too right?  Nah!  DE-LETE!!!!!!

No Tricks, Just Treats!

Typically when you think of Halloween, you think of the spooky haunted house jump out of your skin type of event.  Not me, I’m all about the cutesy pumpkins, yellow mums and hay bale type of festivities.  When it came time to carve our pumpkins, my neighbors were not the least bit surprised that instead of a spooky face, my jack-o-lantern was monogrammed!  Looks really cool all lit up.  What, what’s wrong with that?!    

Since today is Halloween I figured it would be a good day to talk about my online “stalker”!  No worries though, this is not a spooky frightening tale, I don’t roll like that. (It could classify as creepy which is fine because that is the entire reason for the blog right?) 

Recently, a friend and I were discussing my sweet lil’ online stalker (we’ll call him Burl).  Burl appears to be an older gentleman and lives in a completely different state (literally and figuratively).   Since there really is no way for him to find out my real name or where I even live, I find him to be completely harmless.  I am not even sure he even knows that he is contacting the same person over and over.  For all I know, he thinks he is reaching out to a new person each time he gets online.

Anyway, Burl just randomly pops up out of the blue with creepy winks and random emails.  Sometimes it will be just one contact here and there and sometimes I will receive a series of contacts one right after the other filling my inbox with his sweet nothings.  He is definitely not a man of many words, he gets straight to the point with comments like, “Wow baby you look hot”  “I’m a good man”   “May name is Burl” and today just a plain ol’ “Wow baby”.    Now if that just doesn’t make a girl go weak in the knee’s I don’t know what will!

My friend asked if I had ever responded to Burl and I after I proclaimed a big “HELL to the NO” they asked why I just didn’t block Burl’s profile.   What!!!  Are you serious?  Why would I want to do that?  He’s my online cheerleader.   For all you SNL fans, it’s like a little whisper from Stuart Smalley.     (http://snltranscripts.jt.org/91/91asmalley.phtml)    Wait a minute…I think Burl is Stuart Smalley. 

When I was a kid, I used to love the arcade game Whack-a-mole. 

Many of my friends would get annoyed playing the game because the little varmint would just keep popping up and you just could not seem to get rid of him, even when you thought you whacked him on the head sending him back into his mechanical hole.  Not me, I loved that game and each time the little mole would pop his head out of the hole it would just make me laugh hysterically.  Burl is my little Whack-a-mole that just pops up out of the blue.   Pop up…disappear, Pop up disappear…never know when he will emerge.  Somehow though, his timing always seems to be perfect.  Just when I need a good laugh and dose of “Burlism”, there he is.  Yes, I do realize it is a tad bit creepy, but bless his sweet lil’ ol’ heart and I guess mine too for that matter!  No whacking this lil’ mole…I think I’ll keep him…..at least for now anyway!   When the time comes, and he really does become a pesky little varmint I’ll know how to get rid of him.  We all saw Caddy Shack….anyone know where to find the dynamite?

Too Legit To Quit?...Whatever! I'm Out!

Normally I do not like to start something that I don’t finish…BUT….sorry kids...I quit this project and I’m completely A-Okay with it! 

The thought of searching for 10 new contacts over the next two days was about as appealing to me as the thought of getting a colonoscopy. (Both equally a pain in the “you know what”….Ha!  I cracked myself up on that one).  The fact that I was actually avoiding my computer like the plague over the past few days and increasing my chances of getting a few more wrinkles stressing over finishing the project was my final clue to just throw in the towel.  It’s not like I HAD to do it for 5 days…It’s my project and I can do what I want, Right?

We will just pretend that we were only going to do the project for three days and conclude that online dating is somewhat of a numbers game.  Obviously the more people you contact the more chance you will have for a connection.  But I have also come to the conclusion that online dating is definitely a right place, right time, right mood, kind of adventure!  The stars just have to align and there’s not a darn thing you can do about that.  It’s like “the Great Space Coaster….Get on Board.  The Great Space Coaster…we’ll explore”.  (Does anyone else remember that show?…man I loved growing up in the 80’s, but that’s an entirely different blog).

Anyway….back to the stars aligning….blah blah blah… over the past several days I was so focused on looking for new contacts for the stupid project, that I completely ignored all of the contacts I received from potential interests that were completely unrelated to the project.  And there were a handful of these contacts that potentially peaked my interest.  Even better, I did not even have to send a   “Yo, wuz up!”  message.  Go figure!   Hey, maybe that’s the ticket….when you quit worrying about finding connections they’ll find you?  Hmmm…..novel concept right? 

So, now that I don’t have to stress about trying to prove some “theory” I can get back to focusing on actually trying to make a real connection.  Speaking of real connection, I’m facing another challenge.  I am losing my focus as to why I signed up for online dating to begin with.  I am having so much fun with the fabulous blog material being provided to me, that I am forgetting that I signed up for online dating to ACTUALLY try and date!!!  Which makes think, it probably isn’t a good idea that I’m pulling out a notebook and jotting down notes when I am out on my dates.  Wonder what goes through their mind when I say, “Do you mind repeating what you just said?  That’s great material! I could use that for my next entry”  (Just kidding…I’m not actually doing that…..I at least wait till they go to the bathroom.  What?  Is that wrong?)

We're at the Half Folks

Conducting this experiment is a great reminder why I got out of sales.  I hate cold calling!  Ring ring… (that’s my impression of a telephone by the way).  “Uh, hi, this is Lily Beth and I got this really great product I want to sell you…..ME!”…*silence*….. “Hello?!, You there?”……click, dial tone!  

Okay so it’s really not THAT bad but I do feel like I am prospecting a bit looking for just the right prey so I can pounce and go in for the kill.  There is not a lot of meat out there but definitely a lot of “meat heads”.

Confession session:  I did not do my Day 3 Search until today.  I just couldn’t make myself do it yesterday.  What a bore…I mean chore!  Seriously….there are like 4,000 profiles on this site, why is it this hard?  I just didn’t have it in me to do the electronic chit chat yesterday and I refused to resort to the dreaded ….*GASP*….WINK!!!!!!  I know right?  Shameful.  So, I gave it a rest and I jumped back in the saddle and started the ride again today.

Results

Day 3 - 5 MORE contacts made; 0 responses received (at time of post, but contacts were just sent) = Results Pending

Day 1-2:  Total contacts made = 10, Total response received = 1 (Currently still resulting in 10 to 1 ratio)

Project Journal:  Kicking myself for thinking this project was a good idea.  Excitement level is nonexistent.  Getting quite lax in my communications.  Day 1 I actually put some thought into what I entered like trying weave in a little sentence regarding something they referenced in their profile, Day 2 messages got a lot more brief, like 2 sentences max…Day 3 used the same one line sentence in all 5 messages.  Uh oh…really starting to worry what I will actually write Days 4 & 5.  My contact might just come down to a simple…”Yo, holla back!”

Thank goodness I was smart enough (I didn’t say smart, I said smart ENOUGH) to only commit to 5 days.  So that means I am over halfway there and all that is running through my mind right now is lyrics to Bon Jovi’s Living on a Prayer…..” Whoa, we're half way there, Whoa oh, livin' on a prayer, Take my hand and we'll make it I swear, Whoa oh, livin' on a prayer.” 

I will definitely be living on a prayer for days 4 & 5 of this experiment  because the pickin’s are gettin’ slim my friends…certain profiles are starting to not look SO bad…kind of like wearing those beer goggles back in college.  Or so I’ve heard.  Just sayin’!

Weird Science

Had the following conversation recently with a girlfriend: 

GF:  “LB, how’s the online dating going”

Me:  “GREEEAAAAT (where’s Tony the Tiger when I need him?)  I am having a blast, this is a lot of fun and it’s quite entertaining”

GF: “Well, I know you’ve met a few people but you’re not dating anyone in particular so how can this be fun.  Are you not still experiencing any rejection?  That would be hard.”

Me:  “I have met some great guys so far but I am still pretty much experiencing rejection every day.  In the beginning it really bothered me and I took it very personally.  Shook the leaves right out of my self-esteem tree.  But now it doesn’t even faze me, it just makes me laugh.”

GF:  “Really, how can someone rejecting you make you laugh?"

Me:  “Why not?  So they don’t respond, what’s the big deal, they’re probably not worth my time anyway.  It’s not like my social calendar is lacking.  So what if they don’t “like” me?  What-Ev!  Besides, how can one REALLY determine if there actually a connection or not based on a few words and an Olan Mills photo?  How do they even know that is the correct photo and that the content in the profile is valid.  I mean, PUH-LEAZE!  Just Fa-get-about-it…move along folks…NEXT, Lily Beth is on the move!!!  In fact, I’m turning the entire experience into an experiment.”   (I then explain to her my current experiment; she stops and pauses for a moment then says….)

GF:  “LB…you’re brilliant, you have just figured out how to think, act and date like a guy, yet remain ALL GIRL!”

Me:  “Excellent!  I'll be sure to add that skill to my resume.  But I don’t think my momma would quite understand this concept so we’ll keep this one ourselves.”

Results so far:

Day 1:   5 contacts made; 1 response received = 1 to 5 ratio (not bad)

Day 2:   5 NEW contacts made; 0 responses received (at time of post) = 0 to 5 ratio (expected)

Conclusion thus far:  For every 10 contacts made you can expect to receive one potential prospect. Of course results may vary.  (I think I recall hearing the same thing during a sales training once upon a time….hmmmm….go figure).

Project Journal:

Day 1 - Super excited to test this theory out….I approached it with all the zest and vigor one has upon the start of a new project.  Couldn’t wait to begin the search for my new fab 5!  But then the searching began and it took forever just to find the first round of guinea pigs. Excitement level dropped a notch.

Day 2 – Did I really have to commit to 5 days?  Think before you act LB…when are you going to learn?  Really?  It was hard enough to find 5 the first go around.  Maybe I shouldn’t be so picky….snap out of it Lily Beth….you committed to this project, suck it up and deal with it.  Excitement level dropped several more notches. 

Day 3 – Wow…do I really have to go search AGAIN????  They are all starting to look alike.  Dreading this stupid project.  Dreading the search for 5 new contacts (which is technically 15)…..excitement is fading.  It is now hanging over my head like a dark cloud…how many more hours do I have today to get this completed?  I don’t usually drink liquor but tonight I might need a little help from my friend, Johnnie, Jack or George.  (Walker, Daniels or Dickel that is).  These are tough times people. Hmmm…. Maybe the toeless Count Chocula is not looking so bad….I could contact him??????????

Till tomorrow……..

5 in 5 Day 1: Check

Today was the official start of experiment 1 of the 5 contacts in 5 days Project!  I have to admit I thought this was going to be easy...I figured I would log on and bada bing, bada boom I would be finished an onto something else but  not the case.  This was tough.  I could have gone the easy route and just picked the first 5 people that came up on my search but would that really be a fair comparison?  I mean really?!  If we are going to truly test the validity of this project shouldn't I at least make an attempt to try and contact people I would ACTUALLY "possibly" be interested in meeting.  THIS IS HARD work people!!!!  It took me over an hour to sift through enough profiles to even warrant 5 contacts.  Good gracious, if it is going to take this long every day I might call uncle and quit before I get to day 3.  Do you realize how difficult it is to try and make small talk via email?  A root canal is more pleasurable!   I need to come up with a one line ringer that can be my default intro message because my acting skills were very stretched tonight!  Talking Oscar my friends.  Geez....the things I do for research!!!!

Can we just Bless my Own heart and get it over with?

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe....

Catch a tiger by the toe.

If it hollers let it him go,

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe

My mother told me to pick the very best one,

And you are NOT it!

So I am learning (quickly I might add) that online dating is a total crap shoot.  You better know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em, know when to walk away and know when to run!  Every day when you go online, it is a guessing game if anyone is interested in you, if you are interested in anyone else or if you have you picked up any new stalkers!  (Yes, I have a sweet lil’ stalker that I just can’t bear to block…he thinks I’m HOT and tells me so 25 times a day….hey don’t judge, a girls gotta get her affirmations somewhere)

Because you never quite know what will encounter on a daily basis, it has caused my Type A side to try and force some logic into the process.  There obviously has to be some method to the madness or they wouldn’t have the commercials advertising the happy couples that met online.  (Of course I believe they are real people and not actors…with love anything is possible…anyone have some swamp land they want to sell me?)

I am figuratively scratching my head trying to figure out scientifically how it works but there are just too many variables.   Therefore, I am leaning towards the conclusion that online dating is really a numbers game and luck of the draw…right place, right time, right frame of mind.   But, before I sign, seal and deliver this as fact, it’s time for a little Lily Beth experimentation…..

 I’ve decided to conduct own science project…hopefully this experiment won’t stink as bad as the one I did in third grade.   I have NO idea why my parents allowed me to test the rotting factor of deli meat.  (I probably turned on the water works and accused them of hindering my aspirations of becoming the next Marie Curie and chance to get my own Nobel Prize).  Anyway, it worked and my project was to test the effect (or is it affect...never could get that straight) different temperatures had on the freshness of meat.  I supposed I just did not have enough  common sense back then to automatically know that if you stuck a piece of bologna in the kitchen drawer for a week it wasn’t going to be pretty when you pulled it out . 

Hindsight people…gimme’ a break, I was in third grade…what did I know other than what outfit Ken liked Barbie to wear on their dream date.  Well, truth be told, I did already know what the outcome was going to be...I was just taking the easy route.  (Don't tell my parents) It proved to be an easy project and my results were conclusive…besides you got an A if you even did a project so what did I care if my stinky rotting bologna cleared out the entire cafeteria and caused a few teachers to actually get sick from the stench.  The way I see it, I was the hero …who doesn’t love having a substitute teacher for the rest of the day!!!  RECESS!!!  But I digress…… back to my grown up experiment.   How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll tootsie pop?  AKA:  An Online Connection. 

So for the next 5 days, I will throw caution to the wind and randomly contact 5 new online people every day and see how many actually respond.  So 5 people in 5 days = 25 potentially new connections.  (I didn’t even use a calculator for that one…gold star for me!) 

If I were putting this together on my sweet little tri-fold poster board the title would be (in my big bold die cut letters) What Affect (effect/affect..ahh who cares) Does 5 New Touch Points In 5 Days Cause in the Online Dating World.  (I realize that is TOO long of a title for my tri-board but work with me people..it's a pretend board anyway so it can be as long as I want).  And let's just pretend if you will that I have actually created a Purpose, Hypothesis, Research, Title, Materials/Procedures, Data, Results and Conclusion.  Putting together the tri-board was the only part of the project I actaully liked.  Lily Beth and glue = a whole lot of fun, creativity and waste of glue.  (another topic for another day).

At the end of this project how many new little friends will Lilly Beth have?  25, 15, 10, 5, 1, 0????   (Dang I wish I would have paid attention in statistics, I am sure there is probably some smart mathematical factoid I can provide but I got nothin’….I was good at P.E. and that was about it).  Okay...let the experiment begin!!!!! 

Wow! Sometimes There Just Aren't Words

I have been a little preoccupied with other activities lately so have not been able to post for a few days.  Not that it really matters since this entire blog project is more of an online journal anyway.  I wonder if I should not start each post with…”Dear Diary….today was a great day, I did not receive any creepy winks”.  Well, now that I think about it, that would actually make it a bad day because what would I have to write about if I did not get the creepy winks.

The past few days have been a bit more of a struggle to determine exactly what to share.  As I stared at the blank page on my computer screen I decided it would not be a big of a deal if I went a few more days without posting.  There are only about five people that even know about this site right now and they get the information first hand.  So, basically I am writing this for my own kicks and giggles.  (Hey…we all have to have a hobby right?)

Anyway, I decided that I was not going to try and force it  so I would just leave the posting alone until it came naturally again….and then (If I could insert sound there would be a clip of the Angels singing)  IT HAPPENED!!!!!   As I was cleaning out my online homepage going through the selection of available victims, I mean eligible bachelors there he was…PAY DIRT!  I kid you not; I think I actually fell out of my chair.  I know we all use the ROTFL acronym but I was literally, rolling on the floor laughing.  All I can say is BLESS HIS HEART….somebody get his mama on the phone because she and Johnny need to have a talkin’ to.

 Oh how I wish I could put his full profile in all of its repulsive glory on here for your viewing pleasure but I am sure that would not be ethical. (As if talking about him behind his back is ethical…but I already blessed his heart so it’s all good).  Now, the frightening part in all of this (other than the profile itself) is the fact that I can’t stop myself from going back a looking at it again and again.  Because I can’t stop my peeping, my profile will continue to show up as a recent viewer when he logs in.  The danger to this is he might think I am actually ogling his profile out of interest and not for the sake of good blog material.  But what do I care, it has been pure entertainment for me….so what if it causes his machismo to inch up a few notches and strokes his beefcake ego?…The way I look at it, it’s a Win Win for us both.  His already over inflated ego gets stroked (get your mind out of the gutter, that’s not what I meant) and I get a great abdominal workout because I can’t stop laughing….somebody grab a Depends because I just might just pee my pants.

And by the way, just to ensure I was not making a big deal out of something that really was not a big deal…I shared the actual profile with a few trusted sources to get their reaction.  So, unless we are all smokin’ the wacky weed, it is pretty dang funny.

Okay…so do I have you intrigued at what could be included to cause such a stir?  Let me TRY and paint the picture…close your eyes and imagine a “potentially” normal picture of a guy on the beach.  It’s close up so no half naked body shot that would cause you to immediately move on to another profile.  So, you glance at the picture and think….Hmm…I’m not really a fan of beach profile shots with sunglasses but he’s a guy and doesn’t know better so let’s be open minded and check out the next section…you move your eyes to the quick reference information section and check out the age, area of town and username (which by the way is a post for another day).  WHAT!  Stop the record; you have got to be kidding me?  What does the username say?  Does that say sweetnsticky69?    (which I will refer to SNS from here on out because I can’t bring myself to type that again)…..At first I wasn’t quite sure if I read it correctly...certainly that was a mistake…Seriously who would use that?  So I grabbed my glasses and did a double take…No mistake, it clearly says….SNS.  I’m speechless! 

Okay….so really, HOW could I resist NOT checking out the rest of his story?  (It’s RESEARCH people!)  Then I thought…Well, maybe I’m wrong….SNS could actually mean something completely different….Shame on me for being so immature and thinking like a pre-adolescent?  Maybe it is representative of his profession… he could be a pastry chef and he has perfected his grandmothers famous family sticky bun recipe and he was born in the year 1969…..Yeah, that must be it.  It would be unfair of me to pre-judge him like that.  In an attempt to redeem my impure thoughts I opened his profile for further review. 

My gut instinct was right on target…..SNS is wicked dirty!  First clue, the age range of his potential prey…..18-65!  Now, I am not  that skilled in math, but that is quite an age gap.  (At least he kept it legal!  Just sayin’).   Next up, another photo, he lured us in with the tame shot on the beach and now he’s going for the kill.  It’s not even Halloween and SNS is handing out treats!  I wasn’t sure if I was viewing a picture for online dating or a casting call for the cover of the next Harlequin romance novel…. ( tight blue jeans, sans the shirt,  bare chested and hairless, posing in front of what appears to be the bed…Hmm…Toto, I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore….did we just hit the Jersey Shore?)

Finally, I had to save the best part for last …his “luv” letter to the ladies…..I should have known when it started off with “hey sweetie” it was not going to the kind of proposal Mr. Darcy wrote to Elizabeth Bennett trying to win her affections.  There was no wasting time, dude was getting right to the point…He shared that he wants to meet someone to see where it goes (yeah, we already know where you want it to go buddy and it’s not to church on Sunday)….he’s an equal opportunity dater and LOVS (yes, that is how he spelled it) ALL types of women…especially sexy and playful, it’s very nice as he explained (CREEPY).  And for all of you Cougars out there…now is your chance…he prefers you the best…he said that chemistry is always hotter with women older than him (somehow I don’t think he is referring to the kind of chemistry where you sport the white lab coats and protective eye goggles as you pour liquid into various beakers. However, I am sure there are some similarities in the experiments). Just sayin’   

Wow, decisions, decisions….I would LOVE to know what kind, if any, responses he receives.  I’m not brave enough to take this research any further and try to send a creepy wink his way.  Besides, I’m younger than he is, so guess we won’t have any chemistry…boo hoo….can you sense the disappointment? At least he signed his precious note with a few x’s and o’s and wink…Guess I’ll always have that! (And nightmares for days).

So my friends, the trek of true love (and comedic relief) continues! 

Somebody Stop Me, I'm Like a Kid in a Candy Store

Now that the initial shock of online dating has worn off, I am actually starting to settle into the idea of the process.  In the beginning, my sweet tender hearted side would take it personally if someone did not reply to a message I initiated. I mean really fellas, kick a girl when she’s down.  It’s huge for a girl to allow herself to be vulnerable enough to make the first move and to have some guy just leave ya hanging.  Seriously?!  What was even more shattering to the ego is that some of these gents would never have received a rose on the Bachelorette so who do they think they are? 

FORTUNATELY, this crazy spiral of emotion did not last long and reality kicked back in.  (Thank you Reality, I owe you one).   I reminded myself that I am not going to be interested in everyone that contacts me so why should I expect the same from them….(well other than the fact that I am cute, adorable, lovable and so much fun to be around)….Hey, don’t laugh…it’s all about the confidence online my friends.  Anyway, back to my “reality check”….now that my head is level, I am actually starting to have a little fun.  I mean really, this is comical.  Wow!  So much blog material, so little time……where do I even begin?  My mind is racing with all of the wonderful excitement I can’t wait to share with you.  There is just too much goodness to give you all at once.  For now we will focus on “first impressions”.  

Online profiles are kind of like billboards along the highway.  The advertiser really only has about three to four seconds to effectively (or ineffectively) catch the customers attention.  Profiles are not much different. (except you don’t have to worry about rear ending the car in front of you)  There are SO many profiles to filter that you could spend weeks skimming through…frankly I don’t have that kind of time or energy.  Most people are likely to scan the designated profile picture and in those brief seconds make a snap decision to look further or move on.  (Kind of sad really if you think about it…like a casting call lineup….complete strangers judging you based on one photo and either saying too tall, too short, too much hair, not enough hair….NEXT!).   Your potential dating future is decided in the wink of an eye (no pun intended creepy winkers). 

With that in mind I feel it is my duty and obligation to try and help you sweet little fellas out there that must not have paid attention in Marketing 101!  I am sure you are all extremely lovely BUT let me give you some advice and help you out.  I promise, you’ll think me one day.  Here you go guys….. 

Hints for the Fella’s:

1. Guys; if you are planning to take a self portrait, it is important to know we can see you in the bathroom mirror. Do you not have anyone else that can take a picture for you? The greeter at Wal-Mart would be happy to snap a photo for you and you will even get a smiley face sticker.

2. Attention follicly challenged men: We don’t care that you are bald but hiding behind a ball cap in every picture isn’t going to fool us for very long. Believe it or not women are smarter than the average bear.

3. Fellas, if you MUST post a picture without your shirt off, please, please refrain from making it your main profile picture. And No, it does not matter if you have six pack abs or treating us to a glimpse of “the gun show”

4. News flash, women are not that impressed with pictures of you on a boat, motorcycle or some other hot rod apparatus….we will assume you are trying to compensate some other shortcoming

5. Yes, girls are suckers for a guy that is compassionate about his dog, but if all of your online photos are of your feline, we will begin to wonder where we’ll fit into the equation. There is only so much room on the couch.

6. Umm, excuse me. If you are trying to attract other women, why are you posting pictures with you and your ex or a harem of other women? Recent surveys indicate most women are not interested if you are the female party favor. Refer to Hint #4

7.  Seriously?  What’s up with all of the pictures of you, by yourself, in front of every monument in the United States and half of Europe?  Just pick your favorite travel photo to post and tell us in your profile description that you like to travel.  Pssstt…..We are intelligent creatures, we will get it, I promise.

8.  If the online dating site allows you to add a little “tag line” next to your picture, remember, FIRST IMPRESSIONS.  I seriously doubt you will score points by having “No Humps and Dumps” next to your picture.  Am I wrong?

9.  Girls go soft over pictures with sweet little babies and we love it even more when a guy appears to be the nurturing type.  But if you have stated that you don’t have kids in your profile and all of a sudden there you are by yourself with a babe in your arms…. we will know they’re not yours.  Nice try but we are on to your strategy.  (Psssttt……You must not have heard me the first time, we are intelligent creatures, we will get it, I promise).

10.  Gangsta / Pranksta….okay, I admit, I am a goofy girl and often resort back to my twelve year old side and take pictures where I’m throwing up my fingers in what is probably a gang sign, as well as making funny faces or doing some other silly pose, but let’s save those for Facebook people.  Heck, you can even add it to your photo selections just NOT the very first photo a girl is going to view.  Remember fella’s…..you want her to like you, not be repulsed by you.  Just sayin’ 

Whew, that was hard work, but if I helped even just one guy meet his soul mate it is worth it. Now that I have completed my community service for the day it’s time for some fun…. Let’s see what “goodies” I will discover online today!    Till next time….

It Takes a Village

Life is always easier when you don’t have to go it alone.  Why do I always seem to forget this concept?  Well, in this incident, it was most likely because I was somewhat embarrassed to join the online dating masses.  It just feels so unnatural to me.  If there is not an Online Dating for Dummies book they need to get one to press PRONTO, it could potentially have saved me some embarrassing mistakes along the way.  However, thanks to those mistakes, I am quickly (and embarrassingly) learning the ropes regarding the “dos” and “don’ts” to maneuvering around the dating websites, or at least the site I am using.  It is like Big Brother watching your every move.  Can we all say, CREEPY!!! I wince every time I long on for fear my computer will start talking to me.  Tangent alert…sorry, I’ll get back on track!

 I must admit, I can be pretty bad about jumping into things without really thinking it through.  For being a total Type A personality, I seem to have an alter ego that will decide to just throw caution to the wind and seize the day!  Carpe Diem my friends!  (Livin’ la vida loca for sure).  So, my intention was to venture into cyber dating land without anyone I know finding out.  Dating is hard enough as it is but now, to actually “pay” to date.  Mortifying!   As part of my daily prayers to God, I continue to ask humility in all situations.  Because He loves me so much, why should He leave online dating out of the equation?   As I embark on this journey, I am humbled daily. So, after several embarrassing errors on my part, I came to the conclusion that I cannot do this journey alone.  If this online dating thing actually works out and I end up meeting “the one” it will definitely be a result of “My Village”.  (Shout out to my village people!  Y’all ROCK!) 

So the first thing I had to learn about being a tribal member of the village was to forego my need for control.  If I want this to work I need to shut up and listen even if I don’t like what the other tribe members are saying.  For example, one of my male marrieds’ (aka:  married male friend), who by the way is not the warm and fuzzy type, basically ripped my profile apart and had me remove the majority of my pictures.  After reading my profile, he said it came across as if I was desperate and trying to hard.  (Them are fightin’ words; one thing I am not is desperate).  Keep in mind, I did ask for his honest feedback….I guess he thought I said brutally honest feedback.  Disclaimer:  He does have my best interest at heart and is truly like a brother to me so there was no permanent damage done, just a few weeks in therapy.  JUST KIDDING!   Anyway, with my lip quivering (not really, I actually punched him in the arm) I made the changes he suggested and realized he was completely right.  My profile was no longer a novel, it is now “somewhat” brief and to the point, and the description still fits my personality.  (I need to remember to think like a guy but still look and act like a girl.) 

Now my female village people of course are a little softer in their approach, but somehow I still feel like my little heart is being blessed each time I get feedback.  Not a good sign!  (Have I mentioned online dating sucks?)  It’s all good though because I know they love me and truly want the best for me.  (Kind of like when your mama tells you your latest haircut isn’t very flattering to your bone structure.  She means well, she really does, Bless her heart.)  Being in the village is not always like a session of “Boot camp for the Emotions”.  My village is comprised of cheerleaders, advice columnist, online dating alumni who have paved the path and even photographers that try very hard to get a really good profile shot. (FYI photographers….I appreciate your efforts but if you ain’t photogenic, you just ain’t photogenic.  Just sayin’).   I also have sweet interpreters that are able to read between the lines in my correspondences.  For example they will say:  “I know he emailed you Lily Beth and the response was really nice and yes you both like horses, but sweetie, he’s just not that into you”.  How can one girl be so lucky?

In all seriousness though, like everything in life, this is a journey and I am grateful that I have a great support system walking with me every step of the way, they are my rock.   I am thankful for my village….just a long as I don’t end up the “village idiot”.    

Oh No She Didn't.....

It has been about a month since I lost my mind and decided to give online dating a try.  I have heard the success stories and listened to the train wrecks and figured, what the heck, what do I have to lose! (except my dignity but hey, a good dose of humility never hurts).  Since this entire experience is completely foreign to me I jumped in both feet first…with a cinder block tied to my ankles!  Wow…wasn’t prepared for this!

There are so many choices now for online dating that there really was no rhyme or reason why I chose the one that I did.  I went with the first one that came to mind and the sign up process was relatively quick and painless (well, except the fact that I am actually paying to try and find a mate).  Maybe I should have entered this experience with a little more knowledge and done my homework but if I had, what would I have to write about.  So, that leads me to where I am today…sharing with you lovely people my highs and lows in my quest for “the one”.

 In the short time that I have been online I could write volumes.  Unfortunately, I was not as quick to start a blog as I was to subject myself to the experiences that were becoming my new way of life.  With that said, I will do my best to weave those stories into future posts because there are some good ones!

Now that I am past the point of no return I can look back on my first several weeks and laugh at how impacted I became over the “rejection” I experienced from absolute strangers.  At first I would eagerly go online anticipating all of the messages that would be waiting for me.  I just knew I was going to have my pick of dozens of eligible “the one” hopefuls.  Alas, where are they?  How can this be?  Crickets are chirping in online land.  Why isn’t anyone interested in me?  I put so much thought into my profile; I just knew “the one” was waiting in the wings for me.  Boy did I have it all wrong.  Rejection!  And daily!  I am NOT cut out for this type of torture.  I was becoming a wilting dessert flower in search of serious water.  For weeks I would cast out my net only to have it returned empty.  Don’t get me wrong, I received messages and several of the virtual “How you doin’” (CREEPY) but not from the beau’s I was pursuing.  Is this what my life has become….is this my penance for donning the Scarlet D!  Oh the horror!!!!

But, as time went on and the rejection remained constant my “blessed” little heart began to heal and my skin got thicker (as if going through a divorce is not skin thickening enough).   The entire process started to become comical, fun even.  Like a big game of Chutes and Ladders.  Climb two steps forward, slide five steps back.  In keeping with the game these, I will view online dating like “duck duck goose”…..you just have to keep tapping heads and going round and round…eventually “goose” will be called and the chase will begin.

Until then, let’s sit back and enjoy the ride!  It will definitely be an adventure.