Clean Up on Aisle Three

OMG!!!   To me, one of the most annoying things about the online dating site is the fact that it's REALLY hard to quickly determine the profiles you have already viewed and which ones you have not.  My typical routine is to log into the site to see “Wuz up!”  I quickly scan any new winks or emails (thank you Burl for my daily affirmation) and determine what if any I want to respond to.  I try my best to clean out any riffraff on the spot, but I sometimes I get lazy and don’t click on the option to remove the profile from my “dashboard”.  If I would just “getter done” right then and there then I would not have to be a “stalker” later.  This is what gets me in trouble! 

On the other hand, one of the positives is the built in number counter that informs you how many people have looked at your profile.  Not only does it give you a number but it shows you the actual profile of all of the potential man candy that is checking you out.  I assume this was designed intentionally to be somewhat like virtual flirting…”hey he checked me out let me check him out…how you doin’”…WINK WINK….CREEPY!!!!     All good and fun RIGHT?!  Uh-NO!!!!  This is when I start to feel a little “Fatal Attractionish”

Because his profiles shows up under your Who Viewed Me section you naturally go and check him out because he viewed your profile.  This means that your profile is now going to show up under his Who Viewed Me section.   What’s even worse is the “Viewed Me” feature displays profiles based on most recently viewed…so let’s say you viewed his profile a month ago and knew that you weren’t interested….but because you put off your “clean up efforts” you forgot that you have already viewed him…so you click on the profile again and now you are on the top of his list when he views his Who Viewed Me section.   Then you click AGAIN, then realize …”Oops, I did it again, I played with his heart….got lost in this game”  (Thanks Brittany…by the way, I’m returning your school girl uniform…I seem to be attracting the twenty-something’s…not quite ready for Cougartown…I’ll rethink it in 20 years.  NOT!).   So this clicking back and forth can go on all day long and if someone doesn’t make a move it’s the never ending game of “click and view I see you.”

This is where my cleanup procrastination backfires!  If I would just take a little effort and do it right then but noooo.....instead….. A few days later, I wake up stupid and can’t recall that I’ve have already viewed him so I click again!  DOH!!!  Dang it!!!  Next thing I know I’m a stalker and didn’t even know it!  I hear what you’re screaming and NO it is not easy to remember who I viewed and who I haven’t (or is it whom???  Sorry English teacher…slang has ruined my grammar)  Anyway, as I’ve said before, after awhile they ALL look alike!

Here is my “get rich quick” idea for the online dating sites.  They need to incorporate some sort of “notes” section or tracking system next to their profile that you can either check off or enter a comment like,”No way in H-E-double hockey sticks”, or “If he was the last man on earth, then maybe”….or “He’s a total Jackwagon, not worth my time ” or whatever is going to jog your memory that you have already viewed him and you are NOT interested.   Do you realize how many “stalking” moments I could have saved myself if this feature already existed?

Even better, save me some time dating site and incorporate a button directly on the profile that you can click if you want to send the profile into some other cyber land.  (If this already exists, I have no idea…It’s not like I stopped and read any sort of directions).  I guess the only problem with this idea is based on how delete happy I would be, by the end of a few weeks, I would have X’d them all out and no one would be left for me to view.  Hmmm…..maybe I’m being a little too picky….after all, Jackwagons need love too right?  Nah!  DE-LETE!!!!!!

No Tricks, Just Treats!

Typically when you think of Halloween, you think of the spooky haunted house jump out of your skin type of event.  Not me, I’m all about the cutesy pumpkins, yellow mums and hay bale type of festivities.  When it came time to carve our pumpkins, my neighbors were not the least bit surprised that instead of a spooky face, my jack-o-lantern was monogrammed!  Looks really cool all lit up.  What, what’s wrong with that?!    

Since today is Halloween I figured it would be a good day to talk about my online “stalker”!  No worries though, this is not a spooky frightening tale, I don’t roll like that. (It could classify as creepy which is fine because that is the entire reason for the blog right?) 

Recently, a friend and I were discussing my sweet lil’ online stalker (we’ll call him Burl).  Burl appears to be an older gentleman and lives in a completely different state (literally and figuratively).   Since there really is no way for him to find out my real name or where I even live, I find him to be completely harmless.  I am not even sure he even knows that he is contacting the same person over and over.  For all I know, he thinks he is reaching out to a new person each time he gets online.

Anyway, Burl just randomly pops up out of the blue with creepy winks and random emails.  Sometimes it will be just one contact here and there and sometimes I will receive a series of contacts one right after the other filling my inbox with his sweet nothings.  He is definitely not a man of many words, he gets straight to the point with comments like, “Wow baby you look hot”  “I’m a good man”   “May name is Burl” and today just a plain ol’ “Wow baby”.    Now if that just doesn’t make a girl go weak in the knee’s I don’t know what will!

My friend asked if I had ever responded to Burl and I after I proclaimed a big “HELL to the NO” they asked why I just didn’t block Burl’s profile.   What!!!  Are you serious?  Why would I want to do that?  He’s my online cheerleader.   For all you SNL fans, it’s like a little whisper from Stuart Smalley.     (http://snltranscripts.jt.org/91/91asmalley.phtml)    Wait a minute…I think Burl is Stuart Smalley. 

When I was a kid, I used to love the arcade game Whack-a-mole. 

Many of my friends would get annoyed playing the game because the little varmint would just keep popping up and you just could not seem to get rid of him, even when you thought you whacked him on the head sending him back into his mechanical hole.  Not me, I loved that game and each time the little mole would pop his head out of the hole it would just make me laugh hysterically.  Burl is my little Whack-a-mole that just pops up out of the blue.   Pop up…disappear, Pop up disappear…never know when he will emerge.  Somehow though, his timing always seems to be perfect.  Just when I need a good laugh and dose of “Burlism”, there he is.  Yes, I do realize it is a tad bit creepy, but bless his sweet lil’ ol’ heart and I guess mine too for that matter!  No whacking this lil’ mole…I think I’ll keep him…..at least for now anyway!   When the time comes, and he really does become a pesky little varmint I’ll know how to get rid of him.  We all saw Caddy Shack….anyone know where to find the dynamite?

Too Legit To Quit?...Whatever! I'm Out!

Normally I do not like to start something that I don’t finish…BUT….sorry kids...I quit this project and I’m completely A-Okay with it! 

The thought of searching for 10 new contacts over the next two days was about as appealing to me as the thought of getting a colonoscopy. (Both equally a pain in the “you know what”….Ha!  I cracked myself up on that one).  The fact that I was actually avoiding my computer like the plague over the past few days and increasing my chances of getting a few more wrinkles stressing over finishing the project was my final clue to just throw in the towel.  It’s not like I HAD to do it for 5 days…It’s my project and I can do what I want, Right?

We will just pretend that we were only going to do the project for three days and conclude that online dating is somewhat of a numbers game.  Obviously the more people you contact the more chance you will have for a connection.  But I have also come to the conclusion that online dating is definitely a right place, right time, right mood, kind of adventure!  The stars just have to align and there’s not a darn thing you can do about that.  It’s like “the Great Space Coaster….Get on Board.  The Great Space Coaster…we’ll explore”.  (Does anyone else remember that show?…man I loved growing up in the 80’s, but that’s an entirely different blog).

Anyway….back to the stars aligning….blah blah blah… over the past several days I was so focused on looking for new contacts for the stupid project, that I completely ignored all of the contacts I received from potential interests that were completely unrelated to the project.  And there were a handful of these contacts that potentially peaked my interest.  Even better, I did not even have to send a   “Yo, wuz up!”  message.  Go figure!   Hey, maybe that’s the ticket….when you quit worrying about finding connections they’ll find you?  Hmmm…..novel concept right? 

So, now that I don’t have to stress about trying to prove some “theory” I can get back to focusing on actually trying to make a real connection.  Speaking of real connection, I’m facing another challenge.  I am losing my focus as to why I signed up for online dating to begin with.  I am having so much fun with the fabulous blog material being provided to me, that I am forgetting that I signed up for online dating to ACTUALLY try and date!!!  Which makes think, it probably isn’t a good idea that I’m pulling out a notebook and jotting down notes when I am out on my dates.  Wonder what goes through their mind when I say, “Do you mind repeating what you just said?  That’s great material! I could use that for my next entry”  (Just kidding…I’m not actually doing that…..I at least wait till they go to the bathroom.  What?  Is that wrong?)

We're at the Half Folks

Conducting this experiment is a great reminder why I got out of sales.  I hate cold calling!  Ring ring… (that’s my impression of a telephone by the way).  “Uh, hi, this is Lily Beth and I got this really great product I want to sell you…..ME!”…*silence*….. “Hello?!, You there?”……click, dial tone!  

Okay so it’s really not THAT bad but I do feel like I am prospecting a bit looking for just the right prey so I can pounce and go in for the kill.  There is not a lot of meat out there but definitely a lot of “meat heads”.

Confession session:  I did not do my Day 3 Search until today.  I just couldn’t make myself do it yesterday.  What a bore…I mean chore!  Seriously….there are like 4,000 profiles on this site, why is it this hard?  I just didn’t have it in me to do the electronic chit chat yesterday and I refused to resort to the dreaded ….*GASP*….WINK!!!!!!  I know right?  Shameful.  So, I gave it a rest and I jumped back in the saddle and started the ride again today.

Results

Day 3 - 5 MORE contacts made; 0 responses received (at time of post, but contacts were just sent) = Results Pending

Day 1-2:  Total contacts made = 10, Total response received = 1 (Currently still resulting in 10 to 1 ratio)

Project Journal:  Kicking myself for thinking this project was a good idea.  Excitement level is nonexistent.  Getting quite lax in my communications.  Day 1 I actually put some thought into what I entered like trying weave in a little sentence regarding something they referenced in their profile, Day 2 messages got a lot more brief, like 2 sentences max…Day 3 used the same one line sentence in all 5 messages.  Uh oh…really starting to worry what I will actually write Days 4 & 5.  My contact might just come down to a simple…”Yo, holla back!”

Thank goodness I was smart enough (I didn’t say smart, I said smart ENOUGH) to only commit to 5 days.  So that means I am over halfway there and all that is running through my mind right now is lyrics to Bon Jovi’s Living on a Prayer…..” Whoa, we're half way there, Whoa oh, livin' on a prayer, Take my hand and we'll make it I swear, Whoa oh, livin' on a prayer.” 

I will definitely be living on a prayer for days 4 & 5 of this experiment  because the pickin’s are gettin’ slim my friends…certain profiles are starting to not look SO bad…kind of like wearing those beer goggles back in college.  Or so I’ve heard.  Just sayin’!

Weird Science

Had the following conversation recently with a girlfriend: 

GF:  “LB, how’s the online dating going”

Me:  “GREEEAAAAT (where’s Tony the Tiger when I need him?)  I am having a blast, this is a lot of fun and it’s quite entertaining”

GF: “Well, I know you’ve met a few people but you’re not dating anyone in particular so how can this be fun.  Are you not still experiencing any rejection?  That would be hard.”

Me:  “I have met some great guys so far but I am still pretty much experiencing rejection every day.  In the beginning it really bothered me and I took it very personally.  Shook the leaves right out of my self-esteem tree.  But now it doesn’t even faze me, it just makes me laugh.”

GF:  “Really, how can someone rejecting you make you laugh?"

Me:  “Why not?  So they don’t respond, what’s the big deal, they’re probably not worth my time anyway.  It’s not like my social calendar is lacking.  So what if they don’t “like” me?  What-Ev!  Besides, how can one REALLY determine if there actually a connection or not based on a few words and an Olan Mills photo?  How do they even know that is the correct photo and that the content in the profile is valid.  I mean, PUH-LEAZE!  Just Fa-get-about-it…move along folks…NEXT, Lily Beth is on the move!!!  In fact, I’m turning the entire experience into an experiment.”   (I then explain to her my current experiment; she stops and pauses for a moment then says….)

GF:  “LB…you’re brilliant, you have just figured out how to think, act and date like a guy, yet remain ALL GIRL!”

Me:  “Excellent!  I'll be sure to add that skill to my resume.  But I don’t think my momma would quite understand this concept so we’ll keep this one ourselves.”

Results so far:

Day 1:   5 contacts made; 1 response received = 1 to 5 ratio (not bad)

Day 2:   5 NEW contacts made; 0 responses received (at time of post) = 0 to 5 ratio (expected)

Conclusion thus far:  For every 10 contacts made you can expect to receive one potential prospect. Of course results may vary.  (I think I recall hearing the same thing during a sales training once upon a time….hmmmm….go figure).

Project Journal:

Day 1 - Super excited to test this theory out….I approached it with all the zest and vigor one has upon the start of a new project.  Couldn’t wait to begin the search for my new fab 5!  But then the searching began and it took forever just to find the first round of guinea pigs. Excitement level dropped a notch.

Day 2 – Did I really have to commit to 5 days?  Think before you act LB…when are you going to learn?  Really?  It was hard enough to find 5 the first go around.  Maybe I shouldn’t be so picky….snap out of it Lily Beth….you committed to this project, suck it up and deal with it.  Excitement level dropped several more notches. 

Day 3 – Wow…do I really have to go search AGAIN????  They are all starting to look alike.  Dreading this stupid project.  Dreading the search for 5 new contacts (which is technically 15)…..excitement is fading.  It is now hanging over my head like a dark cloud…how many more hours do I have today to get this completed?  I don’t usually drink liquor but tonight I might need a little help from my friend, Johnnie, Jack or George.  (Walker, Daniels or Dickel that is).  These are tough times people. Hmmm…. Maybe the toeless Count Chocula is not looking so bad….I could contact him??????????

Till tomorrow……..

5 in 5 Day 1: Check

Today was the official start of experiment 1 of the 5 contacts in 5 days Project!  I have to admit I thought this was going to be easy...I figured I would log on and bada bing, bada boom I would be finished an onto something else but  not the case.  This was tough.  I could have gone the easy route and just picked the first 5 people that came up on my search but would that really be a fair comparison?  I mean really?!  If we are going to truly test the validity of this project shouldn't I at least make an attempt to try and contact people I would ACTUALLY "possibly" be interested in meeting.  THIS IS HARD work people!!!!  It took me over an hour to sift through enough profiles to even warrant 5 contacts.  Good gracious, if it is going to take this long every day I might call uncle and quit before I get to day 3.  Do you realize how difficult it is to try and make small talk via email?  A root canal is more pleasurable!   I need to come up with a one line ringer that can be my default intro message because my acting skills were very stretched tonight!  Talking Oscar my friends.  Geez....the things I do for research!!!!

Can we just Bless my Own heart and get it over with?

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe....

Catch a tiger by the toe.

If it hollers let it him go,

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe

My mother told me to pick the very best one,

And you are NOT it!

So I am learning (quickly I might add) that online dating is a total crap shoot.  You better know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em, know when to walk away and know when to run!  Every day when you go online, it is a guessing game if anyone is interested in you, if you are interested in anyone else or if you have you picked up any new stalkers!  (Yes, I have a sweet lil’ stalker that I just can’t bear to block…he thinks I’m HOT and tells me so 25 times a day….hey don’t judge, a girls gotta get her affirmations somewhere)

Because you never quite know what will encounter on a daily basis, it has caused my Type A side to try and force some logic into the process.  There obviously has to be some method to the madness or they wouldn’t have the commercials advertising the happy couples that met online.  (Of course I believe they are real people and not actors…with love anything is possible…anyone have some swamp land they want to sell me?)

I am figuratively scratching my head trying to figure out scientifically how it works but there are just too many variables.   Therefore, I am leaning towards the conclusion that online dating is really a numbers game and luck of the draw…right place, right time, right frame of mind.   But, before I sign, seal and deliver this as fact, it’s time for a little Lily Beth experimentation…..

 I’ve decided to conduct own science project…hopefully this experiment won’t stink as bad as the one I did in third grade.   I have NO idea why my parents allowed me to test the rotting factor of deli meat.  (I probably turned on the water works and accused them of hindering my aspirations of becoming the next Marie Curie and chance to get my own Nobel Prize).  Anyway, it worked and my project was to test the effect (or is it affect...never could get that straight) different temperatures had on the freshness of meat.  I supposed I just did not have enough  common sense back then to automatically know that if you stuck a piece of bologna in the kitchen drawer for a week it wasn’t going to be pretty when you pulled it out . 

Hindsight people…gimme’ a break, I was in third grade…what did I know other than what outfit Ken liked Barbie to wear on their dream date.  Well, truth be told, I did already know what the outcome was going to be...I was just taking the easy route.  (Don't tell my parents) It proved to be an easy project and my results were conclusive…besides you got an A if you even did a project so what did I care if my stinky rotting bologna cleared out the entire cafeteria and caused a few teachers to actually get sick from the stench.  The way I see it, I was the hero …who doesn’t love having a substitute teacher for the rest of the day!!!  RECESS!!!  But I digress…… back to my grown up experiment.   How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll tootsie pop?  AKA:  An Online Connection. 

So for the next 5 days, I will throw caution to the wind and randomly contact 5 new online people every day and see how many actually respond.  So 5 people in 5 days = 25 potentially new connections.  (I didn’t even use a calculator for that one…gold star for me!) 

If I were putting this together on my sweet little tri-fold poster board the title would be (in my big bold die cut letters) What Affect (effect/affect..ahh who cares) Does 5 New Touch Points In 5 Days Cause in the Online Dating World.  (I realize that is TOO long of a title for my tri-board but work with me people..it's a pretend board anyway so it can be as long as I want).  And let's just pretend if you will that I have actually created a Purpose, Hypothesis, Research, Title, Materials/Procedures, Data, Results and Conclusion.  Putting together the tri-board was the only part of the project I actaully liked.  Lily Beth and glue = a whole lot of fun, creativity and waste of glue.  (another topic for another day).

At the end of this project how many new little friends will Lilly Beth have?  25, 15, 10, 5, 1, 0????   (Dang I wish I would have paid attention in statistics, I am sure there is probably some smart mathematical factoid I can provide but I got nothin’….I was good at P.E. and that was about it).  Okay...let the experiment begin!!!!!