Wow! Sometimes There Just Aren't Words

I have been a little preoccupied with other activities lately so have not been able to post for a few days.  Not that it really matters since this entire blog project is more of an online journal anyway.  I wonder if I should not start each post with…”Dear Diary….today was a great day, I did not receive any creepy winks”.  Well, now that I think about it, that would actually make it a bad day because what would I have to write about if I did not get the creepy winks.

The past few days have been a bit more of a struggle to determine exactly what to share.  As I stared at the blank page on my computer screen I decided it would not be a big of a deal if I went a few more days without posting.  There are only about five people that even know about this site right now and they get the information first hand.  So, basically I am writing this for my own kicks and giggles.  (Hey…we all have to have a hobby right?)

Anyway, I decided that I was not going to try and force it  so I would just leave the posting alone until it came naturally again….and then (If I could insert sound there would be a clip of the Angels singing)  IT HAPPENED!!!!!   As I was cleaning out my online homepage going through the selection of available victims, I mean eligible bachelors there he was…PAY DIRT!  I kid you not; I think I actually fell out of my chair.  I know we all use the ROTFL acronym but I was literally, rolling on the floor laughing.  All I can say is BLESS HIS HEART….somebody get his mama on the phone because she and Johnny need to have a talkin’ to.

 Oh how I wish I could put his full profile in all of its repulsive glory on here for your viewing pleasure but I am sure that would not be ethical. (As if talking about him behind his back is ethical…but I already blessed his heart so it’s all good).  Now, the frightening part in all of this (other than the profile itself) is the fact that I can’t stop myself from going back a looking at it again and again.  Because I can’t stop my peeping, my profile will continue to show up as a recent viewer when he logs in.  The danger to this is he might think I am actually ogling his profile out of interest and not for the sake of good blog material.  But what do I care, it has been pure entertainment for me….so what if it causes his machismo to inch up a few notches and strokes his beefcake ego?…The way I look at it, it’s a Win Win for us both.  His already over inflated ego gets stroked (get your mind out of the gutter, that’s not what I meant) and I get a great abdominal workout because I can’t stop laughing….somebody grab a Depends because I just might just pee my pants.

And by the way, just to ensure I was not making a big deal out of something that really was not a big deal…I shared the actual profile with a few trusted sources to get their reaction.  So, unless we are all smokin’ the wacky weed, it is pretty dang funny.

Okay…so do I have you intrigued at what could be included to cause such a stir?  Let me TRY and paint the picture…close your eyes and imagine a “potentially” normal picture of a guy on the beach.  It’s close up so no half naked body shot that would cause you to immediately move on to another profile.  So, you glance at the picture and think….Hmm…I’m not really a fan of beach profile shots with sunglasses but he’s a guy and doesn’t know better so let’s be open minded and check out the next section…you move your eyes to the quick reference information section and check out the age, area of town and username (which by the way is a post for another day).  WHAT!  Stop the record; you have got to be kidding me?  What does the username say?  Does that say sweetnsticky69?    (which I will refer to SNS from here on out because I can’t bring myself to type that again)…..At first I wasn’t quite sure if I read it correctly...certainly that was a mistake…Seriously who would use that?  So I grabbed my glasses and did a double take…No mistake, it clearly says….SNS.  I’m speechless! 

Okay….so really, HOW could I resist NOT checking out the rest of his story?  (It’s RESEARCH people!)  Then I thought…Well, maybe I’m wrong….SNS could actually mean something completely different….Shame on me for being so immature and thinking like a pre-adolescent?  Maybe it is representative of his profession… he could be a pastry chef and he has perfected his grandmothers famous family sticky bun recipe and he was born in the year 1969…..Yeah, that must be it.  It would be unfair of me to pre-judge him like that.  In an attempt to redeem my impure thoughts I opened his profile for further review. 

My gut instinct was right on target…..SNS is wicked dirty!  First clue, the age range of his potential prey…..18-65!  Now, I am not  that skilled in math, but that is quite an age gap.  (At least he kept it legal!  Just sayin’).   Next up, another photo, he lured us in with the tame shot on the beach and now he’s going for the kill.  It’s not even Halloween and SNS is handing out treats!  I wasn’t sure if I was viewing a picture for online dating or a casting call for the cover of the next Harlequin romance novel…. ( tight blue jeans, sans the shirt,  bare chested and hairless, posing in front of what appears to be the bed…Hmm…Toto, I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore….did we just hit the Jersey Shore?)

Finally, I had to save the best part for last …his “luv” letter to the ladies…..I should have known when it started off with “hey sweetie” it was not going to the kind of proposal Mr. Darcy wrote to Elizabeth Bennett trying to win her affections.  There was no wasting time, dude was getting right to the point…He shared that he wants to meet someone to see where it goes (yeah, we already know where you want it to go buddy and it’s not to church on Sunday)….he’s an equal opportunity dater and LOVS (yes, that is how he spelled it) ALL types of women…especially sexy and playful, it’s very nice as he explained (CREEPY).  And for all of you Cougars out there…now is your chance…he prefers you the best…he said that chemistry is always hotter with women older than him (somehow I don’t think he is referring to the kind of chemistry where you sport the white lab coats and protective eye goggles as you pour liquid into various beakers. However, I am sure there are some similarities in the experiments). Just sayin’   

Wow, decisions, decisions….I would LOVE to know what kind, if any, responses he receives.  I’m not brave enough to take this research any further and try to send a creepy wink his way.  Besides, I’m younger than he is, so guess we won’t have any chemistry…boo hoo….can you sense the disappointment? At least he signed his precious note with a few x’s and o’s and wink…Guess I’ll always have that! (And nightmares for days).

So my friends, the trek of true love (and comedic relief) continues! 

Somebody Stop Me, I'm Like a Kid in a Candy Store

Now that the initial shock of online dating has worn off, I am actually starting to settle into the idea of the process.  In the beginning, my sweet tender hearted side would take it personally if someone did not reply to a message I initiated. I mean really fellas, kick a girl when she’s down.  It’s huge for a girl to allow herself to be vulnerable enough to make the first move and to have some guy just leave ya hanging.  Seriously?!  What was even more shattering to the ego is that some of these gents would never have received a rose on the Bachelorette so who do they think they are? 

FORTUNATELY, this crazy spiral of emotion did not last long and reality kicked back in.  (Thank you Reality, I owe you one).   I reminded myself that I am not going to be interested in everyone that contacts me so why should I expect the same from them….(well other than the fact that I am cute, adorable, lovable and so much fun to be around)….Hey, don’t laugh…it’s all about the confidence online my friends.  Anyway, back to my “reality check”….now that my head is level, I am actually starting to have a little fun.  I mean really, this is comical.  Wow!  So much blog material, so little time……where do I even begin?  My mind is racing with all of the wonderful excitement I can’t wait to share with you.  There is just too much goodness to give you all at once.  For now we will focus on “first impressions”.  

Online profiles are kind of like billboards along the highway.  The advertiser really only has about three to four seconds to effectively (or ineffectively) catch the customers attention.  Profiles are not much different. (except you don’t have to worry about rear ending the car in front of you)  There are SO many profiles to filter that you could spend weeks skimming through…frankly I don’t have that kind of time or energy.  Most people are likely to scan the designated profile picture and in those brief seconds make a snap decision to look further or move on.  (Kind of sad really if you think about it…like a casting call lineup….complete strangers judging you based on one photo and either saying too tall, too short, too much hair, not enough hair….NEXT!).   Your potential dating future is decided in the wink of an eye (no pun intended creepy winkers). 

With that in mind I feel it is my duty and obligation to try and help you sweet little fellas out there that must not have paid attention in Marketing 101!  I am sure you are all extremely lovely BUT let me give you some advice and help you out.  I promise, you’ll think me one day.  Here you go guys….. 

Hints for the Fella’s:

1. Guys; if you are planning to take a self portrait, it is important to know we can see you in the bathroom mirror. Do you not have anyone else that can take a picture for you? The greeter at Wal-Mart would be happy to snap a photo for you and you will even get a smiley face sticker.

2. Attention follicly challenged men: We don’t care that you are bald but hiding behind a ball cap in every picture isn’t going to fool us for very long. Believe it or not women are smarter than the average bear.

3. Fellas, if you MUST post a picture without your shirt off, please, please refrain from making it your main profile picture. And No, it does not matter if you have six pack abs or treating us to a glimpse of “the gun show”

4. News flash, women are not that impressed with pictures of you on a boat, motorcycle or some other hot rod apparatus….we will assume you are trying to compensate some other shortcoming

5. Yes, girls are suckers for a guy that is compassionate about his dog, but if all of your online photos are of your feline, we will begin to wonder where we’ll fit into the equation. There is only so much room on the couch.

6. Umm, excuse me. If you are trying to attract other women, why are you posting pictures with you and your ex or a harem of other women? Recent surveys indicate most women are not interested if you are the female party favor. Refer to Hint #4

7.  Seriously?  What’s up with all of the pictures of you, by yourself, in front of every monument in the United States and half of Europe?  Just pick your favorite travel photo to post and tell us in your profile description that you like to travel.  Pssstt…..We are intelligent creatures, we will get it, I promise.

8.  If the online dating site allows you to add a little “tag line” next to your picture, remember, FIRST IMPRESSIONS.  I seriously doubt you will score points by having “No Humps and Dumps” next to your picture.  Am I wrong?

9.  Girls go soft over pictures with sweet little babies and we love it even more when a guy appears to be the nurturing type.  But if you have stated that you don’t have kids in your profile and all of a sudden there you are by yourself with a babe in your arms…. we will know they’re not yours.  Nice try but we are on to your strategy.  (Psssttt……You must not have heard me the first time, we are intelligent creatures, we will get it, I promise).

10.  Gangsta / Pranksta….okay, I admit, I am a goofy girl and often resort back to my twelve year old side and take pictures where I’m throwing up my fingers in what is probably a gang sign, as well as making funny faces or doing some other silly pose, but let’s save those for Facebook people.  Heck, you can even add it to your photo selections just NOT the very first photo a girl is going to view.  Remember fella’s…..you want her to like you, not be repulsed by you.  Just sayin’ 

Whew, that was hard work, but if I helped even just one guy meet his soul mate it is worth it. Now that I have completed my community service for the day it’s time for some fun…. Let’s see what “goodies” I will discover online today!    Till next time….

It Takes a Village

Life is always easier when you don’t have to go it alone.  Why do I always seem to forget this concept?  Well, in this incident, it was most likely because I was somewhat embarrassed to join the online dating masses.  It just feels so unnatural to me.  If there is not an Online Dating for Dummies book they need to get one to press PRONTO, it could potentially have saved me some embarrassing mistakes along the way.  However, thanks to those mistakes, I am quickly (and embarrassingly) learning the ropes regarding the “dos” and “don’ts” to maneuvering around the dating websites, or at least the site I am using.  It is like Big Brother watching your every move.  Can we all say, CREEPY!!! I wince every time I long on for fear my computer will start talking to me.  Tangent alert…sorry, I’ll get back on track!

 I must admit, I can be pretty bad about jumping into things without really thinking it through.  For being a total Type A personality, I seem to have an alter ego that will decide to just throw caution to the wind and seize the day!  Carpe Diem my friends!  (Livin’ la vida loca for sure).  So, my intention was to venture into cyber dating land without anyone I know finding out.  Dating is hard enough as it is but now, to actually “pay” to date.  Mortifying!   As part of my daily prayers to God, I continue to ask humility in all situations.  Because He loves me so much, why should He leave online dating out of the equation?   As I embark on this journey, I am humbled daily. So, after several embarrassing errors on my part, I came to the conclusion that I cannot do this journey alone.  If this online dating thing actually works out and I end up meeting “the one” it will definitely be a result of “My Village”.  (Shout out to my village people!  Y’all ROCK!) 

So the first thing I had to learn about being a tribal member of the village was to forego my need for control.  If I want this to work I need to shut up and listen even if I don’t like what the other tribe members are saying.  For example, one of my male marrieds’ (aka:  married male friend), who by the way is not the warm and fuzzy type, basically ripped my profile apart and had me remove the majority of my pictures.  After reading my profile, he said it came across as if I was desperate and trying to hard.  (Them are fightin’ words; one thing I am not is desperate).  Keep in mind, I did ask for his honest feedback….I guess he thought I said brutally honest feedback.  Disclaimer:  He does have my best interest at heart and is truly like a brother to me so there was no permanent damage done, just a few weeks in therapy.  JUST KIDDING!   Anyway, with my lip quivering (not really, I actually punched him in the arm) I made the changes he suggested and realized he was completely right.  My profile was no longer a novel, it is now “somewhat” brief and to the point, and the description still fits my personality.  (I need to remember to think like a guy but still look and act like a girl.) 

Now my female village people of course are a little softer in their approach, but somehow I still feel like my little heart is being blessed each time I get feedback.  Not a good sign!  (Have I mentioned online dating sucks?)  It’s all good though because I know they love me and truly want the best for me.  (Kind of like when your mama tells you your latest haircut isn’t very flattering to your bone structure.  She means well, she really does, Bless her heart.)  Being in the village is not always like a session of “Boot camp for the Emotions”.  My village is comprised of cheerleaders, advice columnist, online dating alumni who have paved the path and even photographers that try very hard to get a really good profile shot. (FYI photographers….I appreciate your efforts but if you ain’t photogenic, you just ain’t photogenic.  Just sayin’).   I also have sweet interpreters that are able to read between the lines in my correspondences.  For example they will say:  “I know he emailed you Lily Beth and the response was really nice and yes you both like horses, but sweetie, he’s just not that into you”.  How can one girl be so lucky?

In all seriousness though, like everything in life, this is a journey and I am grateful that I have a great support system walking with me every step of the way, they are my rock.   I am thankful for my village….just a long as I don’t end up the “village idiot”.    

Oh No She Didn't.....

It has been about a month since I lost my mind and decided to give online dating a try.  I have heard the success stories and listened to the train wrecks and figured, what the heck, what do I have to lose! (except my dignity but hey, a good dose of humility never hurts).  Since this entire experience is completely foreign to me I jumped in both feet first…with a cinder block tied to my ankles!  Wow…wasn’t prepared for this!

There are so many choices now for online dating that there really was no rhyme or reason why I chose the one that I did.  I went with the first one that came to mind and the sign up process was relatively quick and painless (well, except the fact that I am actually paying to try and find a mate).  Maybe I should have entered this experience with a little more knowledge and done my homework but if I had, what would I have to write about.  So, that leads me to where I am today…sharing with you lovely people my highs and lows in my quest for “the one”.

 In the short time that I have been online I could write volumes.  Unfortunately, I was not as quick to start a blog as I was to subject myself to the experiences that were becoming my new way of life.  With that said, I will do my best to weave those stories into future posts because there are some good ones!

Now that I am past the point of no return I can look back on my first several weeks and laugh at how impacted I became over the “rejection” I experienced from absolute strangers.  At first I would eagerly go online anticipating all of the messages that would be waiting for me.  I just knew I was going to have my pick of dozens of eligible “the one” hopefuls.  Alas, where are they?  How can this be?  Crickets are chirping in online land.  Why isn’t anyone interested in me?  I put so much thought into my profile; I just knew “the one” was waiting in the wings for me.  Boy did I have it all wrong.  Rejection!  And daily!  I am NOT cut out for this type of torture.  I was becoming a wilting dessert flower in search of serious water.  For weeks I would cast out my net only to have it returned empty.  Don’t get me wrong, I received messages and several of the virtual “How you doin’” (CREEPY) but not from the beau’s I was pursuing.  Is this what my life has become….is this my penance for donning the Scarlet D!  Oh the horror!!!!

But, as time went on and the rejection remained constant my “blessed” little heart began to heal and my skin got thicker (as if going through a divorce is not skin thickening enough).   The entire process started to become comical, fun even.  Like a big game of Chutes and Ladders.  Climb two steps forward, slide five steps back.  In keeping with the game these, I will view online dating like “duck duck goose”…..you just have to keep tapping heads and going round and round…eventually “goose” will be called and the chase will begin.

Until then, let’s sit back and enjoy the ride!  It will definitely be an adventure.